How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
You Might Also Like
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Have kids, they said
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.