[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
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Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!