[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
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Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)