[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
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Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
knights of the ikea table
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.