Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
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murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
❤️❤️❤️
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.