1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
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the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home