*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
You Might Also Like
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.