*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
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what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out