*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
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I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.