*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
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so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec