BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
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[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I know
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
*mops up wine with cat*
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I have obtained a hat
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.