[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
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Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Look at this
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you