[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
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I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up