[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
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“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time