Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
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Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I love the National Park Service.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.