Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
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I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
When I said I liked it rough.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.