Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
You Might Also Like
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I’d hang this in my house.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?