I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.