I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Welcome
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
B
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him