I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
lmfao come on