“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
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told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.