Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
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Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.