[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
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[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
The A string on my guit_r is flat