*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
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Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.