@vanluvz1: Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.
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@tiffaynay: Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like? Me (thinking she said 'side'): fries. BK: What? Me: *more forcefully* fries.
@carlyken: Buy Domino's Fire everyone Hire dragons Fire roasted pizzas Delivery in six minutes or less IMAGINE DRAGONS
@EndhooS: *Bursts into bank* Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Bank clerk: No that's clearly a shotgun 2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
@HomeProbably: What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint? Single.