“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
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FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Your secret is safeish with me
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.