“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
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Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?