“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
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[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
yea so i messed up lol
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.