If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
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Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
#Caturday
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.