If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
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“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
he’s doing your taxes
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.