*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
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My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.