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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
welp
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”