@Henry_3k: *Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
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@iGreenMonk: *Neighbor text - Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you're not at home* *Shoots Wife* *Neighbor text again - I mean 'Wifi' not wife*
@Roohani19: Apparently, "he's an army officer" isn't the correct response to "who's your daddy".
@djdarrellripley: Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself? Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
@fro_vo: Friend Who I Haven't Seen in a While: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four? Me: i have no idea what he's for