@Henry_3k: *Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
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@_UltimateTwit: Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps. Freaks her husband out though.
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Kidnapper." "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] "I'm a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop."
@KellyMeldrum: It would be easier on everyone if my kids' teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
@Rhythms_n_Booze: I remember this one time I ran out of gas. It was pretty scary. Almost dark. I was all alone. I mean it was a lawnmower, but still.