Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

For those that worship cheese..

ugh not again

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

Note to self: I am a note

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.