*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
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You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”