*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
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Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
The point of your 20s
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.