@OhNoSheTwitnt: [Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I'm not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don't like you.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school. 4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest? My wife: He cried the most.
@causticbob: Greek people must feel like a tampon. They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
@_troyjohnson: Worst idea you’ll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old’s squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja.