*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
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I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.