*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Just a friendly reminder!
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker