*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
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“What movie?” 🤔
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you