*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
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*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.