*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
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I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
no regrets
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.