*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
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My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.