[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story