[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
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*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.