I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed