Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
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I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me