*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
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“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
what it’s like dating me:
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Hot hot hot 🥵
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older