*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
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Don’t forget to tip your server
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent