*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
You Might Also Like
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
What number SPF blocks people?