*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
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Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.