[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
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I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Gods work.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
😏😏😏
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.