*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
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1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Meme Monday.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*