Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
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Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?