*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
This is my pinned tweet